So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
