The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
