I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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