This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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