Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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