I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
