She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
