dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
