Don't make out with my wife yet
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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