Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
