you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
