This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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