Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
