every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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