Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
