After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
