your parents love me but you hate me
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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