i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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