So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
