I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
