she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
