We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
