There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
