I wish my penis had an off switch
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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