a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
