im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
