Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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