u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
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