i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
