how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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