i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
