i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
