The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
