I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
