even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
