Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
