I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
