Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
