Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
