sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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