Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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