Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Blood and glitter go together right?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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