while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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