I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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