You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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