She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
