So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
