You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
