just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
