Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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